At the core of relationship breakdown is lack of awareness and communication. I have worked with many tools to cultivate these aspects and recently discovered one of the simplest and most effective yet.

I have been a fan of the work of Marshall Rosenberg and  The Center for Nonviolent Communication (also known as Compassionate Communication) for some time. It is a simple process, used throughout the world, to practice communication with empathy rather than judgment. It is used in a variety of settings to help facilitate healthy interaction as well as to mediate conflict. Families, businesses, associations, and even volatile settings like prisons and international peace efforts have benefited from the process.

Although a simple process, it is difficult to assimilate in our blame oriented psyche. It is also often criticized as a mechanical process that can lack “heart” and authenticity. I recently started training in a process called BePeace that that has been inspired by the practice of HeartMath in combination with Compassionate Communication. The Institute of HeartMath has scientifically designed a process to help people shift the energy of stress to the energy of the heart – values and feeling like appreciation, forgiveness, care, etc. BePeace integrates the coherence cultivated in HeartMath to help facilitate deeper interpersonal connection through Compassionate Communication.

Although much more than I can communicate in this short post, the basic process starts with a HeartMath practice called Quick Coherence. It focuses personal attention on the heart,  establishes rhythmic breathing, and recreates feelings of appreciation in the midst of stress. Once coherence is established, the four steps of Compassionate Communication are followed to better connect with yourself and others.

The foundations of Compassionate Communication are in the following four steps:

1. Observation – what is the objective reality of situation without judgment or evaluation?
2. Feelings – what are the emotions present in yourself and others involved?
3. Needs – what are the underlying human needs that are unmet in yourself or others?
4. Requests – what do you want (without expectation or demand)?

Stay tuned for more on this process – I am incorporating BePeace in my work in community building and am excited to share more. Let me know if you have questions.

The subtitle of We The People: Consenting to a Deeper Democracy gets right to the heart of many issues we are facing in this world. Uprisings in the Middle East are indicative of a world ready to move beyond dictatorial political control, and the uprisings in the Midwest are indicative of a world that is also ready to move beyond corporate control.

We live with an ideology and an illusion of freedom in North America, but the reality of representative government that is highly influenced by the money of big business is far from freedom or democracy. The reality is that We The People are mostly pawns, our mouths shut, satisfied with the crumbs from the table of those who pull the strings. The left and the right keep the smokescreen intact as they fight over petty issues that only obscure reality.

But it seems that a renewed desire for freedom is in the air. People are waking up throughout the world and are realizing the Emperor has no clothes. At first it is frightening and disillusioning  – there is grieving on all sides as people come to realize the loss from trusting a system that is driven by money and power. But, as in all grieving, acceptance and peace follow anger and denial. From there, rebuilding on a new foundation is possible – but only if we learn to trust and cooperate.

I have spent most of my life exploring collaborative ways to live and work together, along with the tools to help make that happen. In my opinion, the consent based decision making of sociocracy (or dynamic governance) is a foundational piece to make true democracy a reality. Rather than the the control of the powerful or wealthy, sociocracy puts the rule in the hands of the “socio” – those who have a social relationship with one another. It is grass roots decentralization on one hand but also allows for large and complex organizations to empower the voices of all.

In consent based decision making, everyone effected by a decision consents to moving forward. It is a process that uses objections as a tool for crafting creative solutions. The decision making structure is organized with double linking circles to build consent both from the top down and the bottom up. It is a tool for effective organization, efficient decision making, and empowered leadership on every level. It is truly a tool for building a “dynamic governance” of deeper democracy – and can be incorporated in any home, business, or organization where people are the priority.

To learn more, read Creative-Forces-of-Self-Organization by John Buck.

Earlier this year I was introduced to the Blueprint of We and immediately realized I found a great tool for facilitating communication and building agreement in any relationship. Having worked quite a bit with tools to help people address personal issues, communicate more effectively, mediate conflict, and develop other interpersonal skills, I became excited with the potential of this new tool. The Blueprint of We (AKA the State of Grace Document) is not only a tool in its own right, but functions as a container for other tools that work together to encourage healthy and sustainable relationships.

Now being used internationally as a component or alternative to legal contractual agreements, Maureen McCarthy and Zelle Nelson developed the format for their own use at the beginning of their relationship over a decade ago. Inspired by the dancing of Fred Astaire and Ginger Rogers, they wanted the same graceful and effortless movement in every aspect of their relationship. Today it is used world wide as a collaborative process to build and sustain healthier and more resilient personal, business, and community relationships.

After Laurie and I took the initial workshop, we knew this process was a perfect fit for us. We decided to use it in our own relationships and then to go on to be certified to facilitate the process to help others, especially in the area of community building. There are five components to the the Blueprint of We that form a guiding framework for developing and existing relationships.

1. The Story of Us creates a positive foundation for building the document. It starts with each person writing why they’re attracted to the relationship. This beginning focuses on the story of the others – the characteristics each person most admires or appreciates, and the reasons they are attracted to the situation.
2. Interactive Styles and Warning Signs focuses the document on the “story of me”. This step first requires self awareness and indicates how you generally like to work and live – what you are like on a good day and a bad day. The warning signs take this to the next level to reveal your personal signs of stress and the vulnerability to indicate your needs during those times.
3. Expectations is the place to move beyond assumptions to detail the agreement. It is a place for each person to indicate what they want in the relationship – their core values and non-negotiables as well as the structures they need to maintain a sustainable relationship. It is the place for expectations to be spelled out for the relationship itself, as well as the details of any contractual agreement – the specifics of who, what, how, when, and where.
4. Questions to Return to Peace are to provide guidance when things don’t work as hoped for and agreements are in question. This section functions as a third party mediator to refocus the relationship and goals. Questions are developed to address all areas of the agreement when things are going well, and then used to bring the relationship back into focus at times of difficulty.
5. Short and Long Term Agreements is where everyone considers the reality of conflict. Here is where agreement is made to come back together in the short term to examine the document and the questions to return to peace. It also recognizes the unimaginable and agrees on a long term process when conflict cannot be resolved. The bottom line is to do no harm.

After each person develops their part of the document, it is merged to create the “blueprint of we”. You can find more information on this process at the website for the Blueprint of We. Also, feel free to contact us for assistance in facilitating the process in your collaborative living or business relationships.